The best thing couples can do is seek the advice of a trained marriage counselor or individual therapist. I encourage all of my clients to do this before they go through with filing for divorce. But if divorce has become inevitable, the reality is that if one person in the marriage wants to get divorced, it will likely be granted to him or her eventually (as nobody can be forced to stay in a marriage that he or she does not want to be in). The question, then, is whether the reluctant spouse cooperates in the process? My experience as a mediator is that even couples who start out in an adversarial divorce are much happier and find peace more quickly when they switch to mediation. Additionally, I have had several couples get back together in the midst of mediation (a good decision for those couples in particular), something that probably would not have been possible in a hostile adversarial divorce.

Connecticut is an all-property equitable distribution state. Any property, regardless of when or how acquired, is subject to division, and the division is based on a concept of fairness. There are many factors that are looked at when deciding what is fair, such as the length of the marriage, the cause of the break-down of the marriage, what each spouse contributed to the marriage (financially or otherwise), etc. There is no black-and-white law or mathematical formula that defines what each spouse should get. So what does this mean? In a typical adversarial divorce, the attorneys for each spouse argue that their client is entitled to more than the other spouse in consideration of each factor, including fault. After presenting their arguments, they settle or a Judge decides which side is more credible. Conversely, in mediation, the same factors are looked at by the spouses themselves, including what each spouse needs, until an agreement is reached and the Judge approves it. (Note that fault is not a factor in mediation: rather than looking back and blaming someone, mediation promotes looking forward toward a brighter future for both parties.) Because the Judge has the final say in all scenarios, the settlement results of an adversarial divorce and a mediated divorce are usually not significantly different; it is the process in getting there that is different. But please note that in both adversarial and mediated divorce, the Best Interests of the Children standard always dictates regarding issues relating to children.

Your friend went to court many times on Pendente Lite motions, or motions pending the final decision. In mediation, none of these motions are typically necessary, because the spouses are free to decide on their own after mutual consideration what happens in these various situations, even before the divorce is granted. As an example, if a couple has trouble deciding where the children live during the divorce before the issue is ultimately decided in the final divorce agreement, then the issue is presented to the mediator and a solution that serves the best interests of the children as well as both parents results. By not having to go to court like your friend, you will likely save time, attorney’s fees, and heartache for you, your spouse, and your children. Most importantly, discussing the issue and coming up with a solution on your own serves as good practice for issues that lie down the road, even after the divorce.

Yes, just once. When a final agreement is reached by the parties, the mediator will contact the court to schedule a private uncontested final hearing at a date convenient to both parties. It is at this final hearing that the Judge will review the agreement written by the mediator outlining the terms of settlement. The Judge will also review each spouse’s financial affidavit, the child support calculation (if applicable), and any other necessary documentation prepared by the mediator. The Judge then looks to make sure that the final agreement is fair and equitable by questioning each spouse regarding its terms. When he or she is satisfied that it is fair and both parties entered into the agreement voluntarily with full understanding of its terms, the divorce will likely be granted and the Judge will enter a decree incorporating their written agreement into his or her judgment. On average, my clients typically spend approximately 1 hour total in the Courthouse.

I have been told by Judges that they love people who mediate. Why? Because people who mediate are taking personal responsibility for themselves and their families, and their final agreements are as good, if not better, than any other.

An attorney-mediator can do anything that any other divorce attorney can do, with the exception of advocating for one party over the other – because the mediator must remain neutral at all times. As a safeguard, the individual parties are free at any time to contact another attorney (or trusted friend or family member) to get advice or review the final agreement before it is signed. Furthermore, if at anytime the mediation process is not completely satisfactory for whatever reason, the parties are free to leave mediation (with any work product that has already been produced) and pursue alternative legal services, knowing that everything that was discussed in mediation is confidential.

Clients are charged on an hourly basis. This is usually done against a retainer collected at the beginning of the mediation, or in special circumstances, after each mediation session.  Depending on the issues, a typical mediation will involve 3 to 5 mediation sessions and 10 to 15 hours of my time in total.  Besides the mediator’s fee, there is also a $360 court filing fee, and a possible $40-$50 Marshal’s Fee. Marshal’s fee to serve papers (although many jurisdictions are now allowing mediating couples to waive service if they file at the clerk’s office in person).  If you have minor children, both parents must also attend a mandatory parenting education class offered by the courts at a fee of $150 each. I encourage spouses to share the total mediation expenses equally in the interest of promoting fairness and neutrality.  There is no charge for a consultation.